Catherine Holbrook's Diary
Catherine Holbrook's Diary entries are lore books obtained while collecting Catherine's Memories during the main story questline.
Catherine's 15 diary entries narrate her life from her early teenagers up until her untimely death after she gives birth to Justin. Her diary illustrates the struggles Catherine faced between living for herself and her duties as a Soul Rider.
Catherines Diary Pt.1
Dear Diary,
Today, I met the Moorlands for the first time. They will be leasing part of our land from now on. Dad is very excited about it - well, how could he not be, seeing how badly we need the money?
Me, I'm not too sure. I can roam freely here, minding my own business. If I feel like it, I can bathe where the river meets the sea. There is no one here to see. My only friends are the horses, and the grass, and the stars in the night sky.
And my dad, obviously. He is such a sweetheart, always looking out for me. I have a creeping suspicion that the real reason for the Moorlands relocating here isn't to do with finances, but more to do with him not wanting me to be alone. But I like being alone. It is the only way I know how to live. The Moorlands have a son, Thomas. He looks about my age, maybe a year or two older. A complete dullard, by the looks of it. I'd much rather be alone than with him, thank you very much.
Twilight beckons. I'm off to the stable. Thomas better not be there. His father mentioned how fond he is of horses. Here in Jorvik, that doesn't exactly make him unique...
Sweet dreams, dear diary. I can't wait to tell you about mine. It is true that my life is lonely, I guess some people would even call it tragic. But when I dream, everything can happen. The world becomes a beautiful, magical place where I am somehow bigger than myself. I love that feeling. I can't wait to fall asleep tonight!
Catherine's Diary Pt.2
Dear Diary,
The strangest thing happened last night. I was lying in my bed, sound asleep, when something woke me up. It might have been a sound, or perhaps it was the peculiar shade of pink radiating off the night sky.
Earlier that day I'd taken the ferry across to South Hoof to see the feral horses. The herd is so close -- I can't believe I hadn't visited them before. I got the idea from Thomas. He visits South Hoof whenever he has a spare weekend. I'd tease him about the girl he must be courting, but he assured me only had eyes for the horses. What's so special about these horses, I wondered? I had to find out for myself.
I'm not about to admit it to Thomas, but he's right. The horses of South Hoof are special. Against the backdrop of the ancient stone henge, it was truly otherworldly. I was so caught up watching them, I nearly missed the ferry home! Bu the time I made it back to my bedroom, I was exhausted.
Back to last night. Was my body playing tricks on me? Was my mind drawing on memories of the ancient stones I'd visited earlier that day?
Here's what I do know: something beckoned me. Someone called out my name. At first, I thought it must be my dad, but the voice... It wasn't human, exactly, but I wouldn't call it inhuman, either. It soared up inside of me like a song, echoing louder and louder. There was something so achingly familiar with that voice, like I'd heard it before. It was almost like...
When dad sees me talking with horses, he laughs that it's almost as if I can hear them talk back. But the truth is, I DO hear them.
The voice that woke me, it wasn't like talking with Nemo or the other horses. But it's almost as if the language was the same...
Catherine's Diary Pt.3
Dear Diary,
The voice is back! I was out riding in the woods when I heard it again. Even louder this time. The voice told be to abandon the trail and north, towards the mountain. I rode in a daze, up hills and paths I'd never ridden before. After that must have been hours, I ended up at the top of a hill, surrounded by stone circles. Some of them shimmered in pink, just like the sky the other night.
We stood together, my horse Nemo and I. Waiting, but for what, neither of us knew. Then I heard the voice. I turned around, towards the glimmering light - and the world became black. I don't remember anything after that. But when I woke up this morning, in my own bed, my hands were covered in dried blue paint.
Somehow - just don't ask me how - I had painted at some point during the night. The picture was coarse, childish. It reminded me of comics I drew as a kid. The creature I had painted in the dead of night, while some vital part of me was asleep, is a deep, cerulean blue. He looks like a squirrel, but I know he's something much bigger and otherworldly than that. I know, because he told me by the stone circle, while I was gone...
His name is Fripp, and he tells me I am the light of Aideen. And yes, I know how that sounds. I swear, I'm NOT losing my mind. At least, I don't think so. But then again, doesn't that sound exactly like something I would say if I WAS losing my mind?
Can't write more now, I hear my father coming upstairs! It's probably best if I hide the painting, just for now...
Catherine's Diary Pt.4
Dear Diary,
Fripp is real.
Let me write that again because I still can't believe it.
FRIPP IS REAL!!!
Everyone on Jorvik grows up with the legends of Aideen, but some people who take the legends a little more seriously. Well, today I met them! "The keepers of Aideen", they call themselves. Like something out of a fantasy novel.
One of the people I met is a young druid called Evergray. He is very intense, in a way that makes me think of old knights from the stories my mom used to read me when I was a kid. Or Heathcliff. The Bronte guy, not the cat. It almost makes me laugh, to see how serious he is.
Evergray's brother Avalon is just as into all the mystical, ethereal things, but he seems less hardcore. I'm not sure what to make of them, to be honest. One minute, they seem like perfectly ordinary young men. The next, they're all cloak-y and priest-like, if you could imagine a priest who talks to trees.
As you can tell, I have a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I mean, me? Special? The light of Aideen what-now? I was always picked last for gym. No one at school wanted to be my friend. After mom died, I've been drifting around out here in the old farmland like a ghost. There are horses, of course. And art, and flowers, and, sometimes, fleetingly even happiness. Am I ready to risk the quiet, solitary life I'm used to?
There are other girls, too. Fripp called them "Soul Riders" and talked about them as if they could save the world, bu they seemed so, well... ordinary. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm as ordinary as they come!
There was one girl who had a special something about her. Elizabeth is her name. She has that whole sacred vibe going, but she is also sweet and funny. I don't know if Fripp is the type of creature to play favorites but she's definitely his favorite. I think I like her, too. We made plans to see each other again soon, the whole group of us. I feel almost giddy, like I'm going on a date or something. Who knew that I'd actually have a social life?
At the same time, I try not to make too much of it. I've been mistaken before, and it hurts just to think about it. Best play it cool. Ah yes, I am the epitome of cool, aren't I? Just kidding. This is me signing off, keeping my cool.
P.S. FRIPP IS REAL?!
Catherine's Diary Pt. 5
Dear Diary,
Earlier today, Elizabeth took me to the Jorvik Stables. Funny to think that I've lived here in Jorvik all my life and never been there until now. I couldn't believe how big it was! Old, too - apparently, it dates back to Jon Jarl's day, according to Herman who owns the stables.
Herman strikes me as a very gentle soul. When I shook his hand, I immediately felt at ease. It was a strange yet comforting feeling. I guess I'm slowly getting used to it, because all of a sudden, I keep bumping into people who remind me of myself. I've always felt like such a freak, preferring the company of horses to actual people.
Now I realize that I'm not alone. There are others here on this island who lives for horses - people who share that special bond with their beloved animals. I've never really talked about that bond with someone. It just is, like the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.
But today, over tea and cookies in the cozy saddle chamber, I actually got to talk about the bond with Elizabeth and three other girls. They are all my age, and while we probably don't have that much in common on the surface, we just couldn't stop talking! About horses, yes, but about all sorts of other stuff, too. Life stuff. I never knew how much I missed being a part of a group until today.
Granted, I still feel like the odd one out, especially when Eva and the others start talking about something that happened at school or laugh about something that no one else gets. Evan can act the queen bee, and those other two are thick as thieves. Could they be a...? Still, I can tell they are all trying their best to include me. Elizabeth, especially. She only came to Jorvik pretty recently so she's a bit of an outsider too. It's nice having people my own age care for me. We're going out riding together in the morning, si I'd better get some sleep now.
It's mind-boggling, really, how my finally accepting that I'll never be normal (whatever that is) has made me feel like less of a wierdo. I suppose there's something to be said for having friends, after all...
Catherine's Diary Pt.6
Dear Diary,
I know, I know, it's been ages since I last wrote something, but I swear, I've been too busy! Lately, life has taken a strange turn. Remember Evergray? He's been leading me and the Soul Riders in some... I suppose you could call them training exercises of sorts. But it's not like anything I've ever been taught at school. In fact, I'm not even sure what we're doing can be taught. I struggle to make sense of it all as I try to write it down.
Should I write it down? It might be a reckless thing to do, given that there are powers that would love to get their hands on our aptitudes. So I'll have to be very brief. We are encouraged to look deep within ourselves, to be mindful of our gifts.
Elizabeth is so confident she has what it takes. Obviously, Evergray loves her. I mean, who wouldn't? She's such a natural. Eva, too. She is so calm and collected, always taking her time, making sure everything happens in the right order and just so. She, if anyone, kan keep her cool. Me? I'm a hot mess, but what else is new?
I feel the deep, dark pull of all four circles, like gravity. I'm sun, I am moon, I am starshine, I am lightning. It's getting to the point where I'm not even sure where I stop and the magic of the four circles begin. Magic, when it happens, is everywhere in me. It's the greatest feeling in the world. It is, I think, the feeling of ultimate power. Is scares me a bit. What if I never want to become myself again? I could so easily just let the magic take over. But it doesn't work that way.
We need to remain ourselves. Our ordinary lives must continue, as dreary as it sounds. I've come to live for those brief moments of absolute power. At the same time, I envy Elizabeth and Eva who seem to be so in control. Isn't power all about control, when you really think about it?
Winter is coming freakishly early this year. The pond has already frozen over. People in the village can't stop talking about it. Apparently, the last time the pond froze this early, some kind of disaster followed. People do love to gloat, don't that? I swear, this island... sometimes I just want to bolt. But of course, I never will. I am part of this island, gloating and doomsday vibes and all.
Tomorrow, Evergray will let us train on the ice. Can't wait.
Catherine's Diary Pt.7
Dear Diary,
Everything is wrong. Everything is gone. I screwed up, and Eva had to pay for it. Out there on the ice, the cold sun bright in my eyes, it was so easy to keep going. Heaven knows Evergray could have stopped me, but he didn't. He just urged me on, until it was too late.
I don't think Eva will ever trust me again. She was furious when she woke up at the hospital. The doctors say she'll be fine, but she had a bare scare. She wants out. Now. I don't blame her. It's not like I trust myself, either. This power, this gift, whatever you wish to call it? I'm beginning to think it's a curse.
I should have stayed away, shouldn't I? I should have kept to what I knew, to horses and the solitude of my own room. That way nobody would have gotten hurt. Whenever I'm near other people, disaster follows. I should put a bell around my neck so people can avoid me. Here comes Leper Girl, class of 1997, party of one.
Elizabeth has been trying to get in touch with me. She's written letters, telling me that we need to go on some sort of light ride that will help strengthen out bond again. I know I should write back at the very least, but I can't face her. Not yet. I know how worried she is. I can't handle the worry. Angry, sure. I know angry. Somehow, Eva's anger is easier to deal with. I deserve anger.
Oh, I'm in such a mess! I wish that I could earn back Eva's trust, but I just don't think it will happen. Maybe with time - but we don't have time. Not according to Fripp or Evergray. The time is now, or so they say. I've never felt more out of time.
Catherine's Diary Pt. 8
Dear Diary,
Okay, so this "Catherine has friends" routine? Officially over. I guess I already knew that, deep down, but it wasn't until I came to the stable to prepare for the Light Ride that it dawned on me. I was never part of the sisterhood. They don't get me and they never will.
Eva was talking with the others as they were getting the horses ready. When she mentioned my name, they all started laughing. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying, but when I showed up, she looked so guilty. That's when I knew she'd been talking behind my back.
I didn't say a word. Instead, I just turned around and left. As I slammed the door shut, I could hear Elizabeth calling for me. I started running and didn't stop until I found myself out on the pumpkin patch. The Moorland boy was there. He waved at me and I waved back, hoping that he couldn't tell that I'd been crying. Then I went home. That is where I belong. after all. I was a fool for thinking otherwise.
Catherine's Diary Pt.9
Dear Diary,
Halloween is coming up. Pumpkins everywhere. I hate the smell of them. Dad better not make pumpkin soup tonight. I swear, I gag just thinking about it.
I saw Thomas this morning, out by Birks' Grange. Dad has forced me to go there to help him buy some supplies. Turns out, Thomas got the same memo. Is he trying to fix us up? The horror! Ir so you would think.
Thomas isn't so bad, really. We talked quite a bit as we walked back with the horses and the supplies. He's easy to talk to, and he has a pleasant voice. I don't think I've ever thought about his voice before, but it is low and earnest, the kind of voice that immediately puts you at ease. I could tell he had the same effect on the horses, too.
Have I been wrong about him? Maybe he's not dull at all. Just quiet and calm. I could do with some quiet and calm in my life. My thoughts are a mess.
The voice inside my own head is loud and shrill. I can't seem to unwind. I keep seeing the girls. Wounded, lost, hurt. It's like a horror movie playing on repeat with my mind. It stopped playing by Birk's Grange, when Thomas kept me company. Could it mean... Could it be... Oh, stop it, Catherine!
I hear someone whistling outside now. Could i t be Thomas. I think I'll go outside and have a look.
Catherine's Diary Pt. 10
Dear Diary,
I am scared. I am lost. I don't know what to do.
Our oh-so-wise "Moon Sister" rode to the farm the other night to talk to me. About Thomas. She's always had visions and sometimes (okay MOST of the time) they have a ring of truth, but this vision... She said there's darkness in Thomas. A shadowy, dark tendril from which he can't escape. My Thomas, dark? He is the light of my life! I told her she was wrong this time, but she insisted. Oh, she just wouldn't shut up.
That was when I told her to leave. I accused her of lying, of trying to keep me and Thomas apart. Her feelings for you-know-who got her in trouble, so this was her conspiring to keep me from finding happiness. After all, I told her, they never really saw me as one of them. I really laid into her. As she rode off into the woods, she turned around and looked at me. I saw something in her eyes then. Fear. I know that look. Oh, I know it all too well!
She hasn't been heard from since, out Moon Sister. She never returned to the stables that night. Elizabeth and Eva are frantic with worry. We all fear the worst... As for me, I am wracked with guilt. She came to me, all vulnerable, and I turned her away. What kind of person does that?
A person who has reason to be afraid. Because I could sense the shadowy tendrils she spoke of. And yet I refuse to believe that it has something to do with Thomas. I can hear whistling in the downstairs kitchen as he makes me a cup of tea. When he gets up here, I just know those dark, twisty tendrils of my mind will vanish. They always so.
... Don't they?
I'm sorry, my Moon Sister. May Aideen's light protect you, wherever you are.
Catherines Diary Pt.11
Dear Diary,
Thomas is DENIFITELY not dull. I just want to write it here, in indelible in. He thinks I'm special, and not in a prophecy kind of way. For him, my smile is enough. I don't have to save the world to make him happy. And I do want to make him happy. Very much. Is that strange?
Happy Halloween, dear diary!
Thomas convinced me to go trick or treating tonight, even though I'm way too old for it. I had such a lovely time. For the first time in ages, I didn't think about Aideen and the Chosen One. I just ate a ton of candy, stood by the flickering Jack-o'Lanterns and felt - can you believe it? - happy.
Still, there is so much on my mind. As long as I'm with Thomas, I can keep the rambling thoughts away. But I know that's cheating. In the end, I will need to choose. I can't have both.
Or can I? One of my mother's favorite poets one wrote that when you find yourself wanting everything, you are dangerously close to having nothing. Is that true?
I wonder what my mom would make of all of this. I wish she was here.
Catherine's Diary Pt.12
Dear Diary,
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about trust. How di I know who's looking out for me and who's not to be trusted?
Once upon a time, trust seemed so easy. It came naturally, like the water gently flowing in the creek outside my bedroom window. Trust was everywhere, or so it seems now, looking back.
Trust was my small hand reaching out to grasp my father's big, callused knuckles. Earnest bron eyes seeking mine across the schoolyard. That moment when you know you're about to start galloping and everything is heightened, more real.
Trust in physical, all muscles and nerves. Trust is instinctual. You just know. And yet I find myself knowing nothing. My stomach is in knots, my muscles wired tight. I can't stop my head from spinning faster and faster. There is so much at stake. After everything that happened with the Lost Sisterhood, everyone seems to be looking at me to find the right answers. It almost makes me laugh. Can't they see that I am the last person to ask? It seems the more I find out - about magic, about Aideen, about the holy circle - the more confused I get.
Can I trust Evergray? I want to trust him, but there's something about the way he looks at me that makes my skin crawl. He is so devoted to the cause. I'm almost scared to gaze too deeply into his eyes - they sizzle and crack like embers. Too much devotion is what gets you in the end. That's why I try not to care too much about anything. I can tell that he's the kind of person who burns bright and fast, just like my mom. Of course, that's why I find myself so mesmerized by him. It takes one to know one. At the same time, he makes me uncomfortable. He pushes too hard, want's too much. If I am indeed part of Jorvik's future, shouldn't I know for sure by now? Surely there would be no need for pushing? I would go out into the wild, in the dead of night, and not look back. I would not think of all the havoc I might wreak.
But I'm not ready to do that. Thomas asked me to marry him. Dad says that we are too young, but it feels right. He makes me feel safe in a way I've never experienced before. He makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I get my happy ending, just like everyone else. I'm not willing to walk away from that.
At least not yet.
Catherine's Diary Pt.13
Dear Diary,
Glorious, glorious news! Thomas and I are married!
In the end, we decided to elope. We made our wows under the Sleeping Widow tree in the Harvest Counties, with Avalon as out only witness. Thomas' good friend, the hermit from South Hoof, performed the ceremony. Yes, I was wed bu a hermit. And let me tell you, it was awesome!
Dad's not happy about being left out. He wanted a big party with all of Silverglade invited. But I think he's already getting over the disappointment. He said he's moving to tha farm up in Golden Hills Valley. More space for me and Thomas to spread out wings, he said. I think he's just eager to be a grandpa.
I've never been happier than I am at this very moment. It frightens me, because obviously, things won't stay like this forever. I still feel something dark and lurid beckoning me at night, but as long as Thomas holds me in his arms, I can keep the darkness at bay. I just wish he could hold me forever...
Catherine's Diary Pt.14
Dear Diary,
I keep having the same dream, over and over and again. In my dream, I am galloping a large lush field. The wind is soft on my face. I am happy, I think. I am at one with nature, with the light of Aideen. I am completely at peace.
I am no longer human. There is no rider in my dream. Only a wild horse. I am that horse. The horse is me. There is an eerie familiarity to the way my hooves gently graze the billowing grass underneath. I am free. I am wild. I am, finally, myself.
But of course, at the same time, I am not me. So why is it that, in the dream, I feel more like myself than ever before? Why do I wake up and feel that sharp stab of disappointment when I look underneath the covers and realize that I am still me, legs, feet and everything?
Then I touch the roundness of my belly and feel you flutter against the palm of my hand. Oh, my little darling, I haven't met you yet, but I know that I'll love you more than anything in the whole world. My love for you is endless and everywhere. It will be there in the soft murmur from the trees when you play outside, just as the sun sets. You will sense it in the horses your dad will give you when you're old enough to ride. My love, dear child, is everywhere. You will grow up the be a sweet-tempered and patient man, just like your dad. You will be happy.
Justin would be a fine name, I think.
Catherine's Diary Pt.15
Dear Diary,
The time has come to say goodbye.
This will be my last journal entry. I am done with this mortal body. My journey, from now on, will be a spiritual one. I am giddy with excitement, thinking about it. I suppose I should feel scared, but I am not. From now on, there is only calm and light.
No matter what happens next, I know that my husband and Justin will be okay. There is a little sadness, of course. How could there not be, when my son will grow up without his mother, just like I had to grow up without mine?
There is darkness in my son as well as light. I know now that my moon sister spoke true. But Thomas is the kindest, most loyal person I know. He will be there for Justin. I know he will. He will show our son that love is stronger than fate.
Even now, with the blushing sun rising over the rooftops of our little farm, a sight hint of summer in the morning air, there is so much I don't know.
But here's what I do know Aideen's gift is love. That gift is not meant for one mortal girl. Her gift is for everyone who can find that bond with another soul. The power to protect Jorvik does not depend on prophecy. It's all around us! The power is in our hands and in our hearts.
They thought that Aideen would return through me. But now I go join her in the light. In never-ending love. My spirit will run free with the horses I love.
I will never get the chance to tell him about it face-to-face, but after I'm gone, he will be able to read my journal. And then you will understand.
Your mother loves you, Justin. My love, Aideen's love, will always be with you.